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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
12:32 am
Shepherd, it is NOT too early for a Christmas tree. Even if it IS a Christmas Firefly-console-covered-with--festive-lights-that-confuse-Wash-and-make-him-nearly-crash-into-space-debris-a-couple-of-times. You're just a big spoilsport. You religious types are all alike.

Everybody! Siiiiii-hiiii-lent night,
Hooo-ooooly night
...uh... Laaaaa laaaa dum

I like tinsel. Inara, you should get tassles on your costumes and make them more festive. Shepherd, you should wear a Santa hat over your giant, giant hair. Wash, rise from the dead three days after Christmas and we can have an early Easter! Eggnog and chocolate eggs for all!

-Captain Mal, all seasonal-like

current mood: eggnog!

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Monday, November 14th, 2005
7:10 pm
Captain's Log, Entry 40271

Her name was Lola. She was, by all accounts, a girl in a show of some sort. Let me tell you right here, straight from me to you, no bulldust, people, MAKE SURE you cast a wary eye over the neck - and most specifically, the Adam's Apple region - of any new and colourful "women"folk you happen to meet on your travels. Sometimes other planets shape 'em differently to us, sometimes their ways are not our ways, sometimes they have deceptively delicate features...

Anyway. Just thought I'd offer that piece of worldly advice, being the well-travelled gentleman I am.

One of you seems to have thought it would be funny to sew all my manly underdoos together. Jayne and River, I ain't looking at you, because if I do I'll get so overcome with rage because I KNOW it was you that I might just snap and do something I'll end up having to clean up later. Understand me?

That said, I'm still your captain and technically, your wellbeing and physical heath is of some mild relevance to me. Gorramit. Sigh, and such. On that note: Simon, I think Jayne's been eating... random things... again. Get your stomach pump and rubber gloves ready. Oh, I see you already have. Good work, Doc. Hmm, didn't know stomach pumps came in that shape... or with that many "speeds"... Oh well, just goes to show there's a lot about modern medicine a salf-o-the-earth cowpoke like me don't understand. Keep it up, Doc.

current mood: calm

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Monday, November 7th, 2005
8:33 pm - Five and a bit things about Captain Mal
Captain Mal has been doing some thinking.

Captain Mal thinks that people might start to take him a bit more seriously if he started talking about himself in the third person.

Captain Mal doesn't like it when people mock:
* his authority
* his leadership skills
* his orders
* his Firefly
* his feelings, however unconventional they might seem to an outside party, for his Firefly
* the height (or colour, material or any other aspect) of his pants
* his gun
* his right to use the word "ain't" up to and including seven times in a single sentence
* his fear of clowns (shut up, River, shut up RIGHT NOW)
* his stoicism
* his middle name (Clifford is a GOOD, STRONG NAME, Jayne. And you can wipe that look off your face too, Shepherd Julius Augustus Book)
* his fondness for banana dacquiris
* his fondness for any sort of banana-based beverage or snackfood
* the seven wobbly-headed geisha dolls on his bed's headboard


Captain Mal likes the smell of engine fumes in the morning.

But in the afternoon, they make Captain Mal feel a little delicate.

Captain Mal ain't taking no [Oriental word] from any-gorram-one.

'Cept someone with a really big gun and a henchman with no teeth, because Captain Mal ain't stupid.

Captain Mal doesn't know how it's possible for him to even know this song, but Captain Mal has 'Dirty Deeds [Done Dirt Cheap]' stuck in his head.

Captain Mal is looking at Jayne.

Now Captain Mal is looking away, because Jayne is really, really disgusting.

(...done dirt cheap...)

Captain Mal has had a few banana-quiris and probably shouldn't be telling you this, but when he was little, he used to want to be a florist.

Ain't ain't ain't. Gorram. There, now Captain Mal feels manly again.

Captain Mal is going to lie down for a bit.

current mood: banannanaquiris!

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Friday, October 21st, 2005
10:27 am - Been doing some ruminating...
...and, according to Simon, that word doesn't have so dirty a meaning as I first supposed. Which I guess is a tragedy in this case, but I'll try to carry on.

Anyhow, I've been thinking: The Hero Of Canton. Why is it that the ship's muscle gets a song dedicated all to himself while the ship's... other muscle, and brains, with the higher ranking, don't? It just ain't right somehow. So I thought I'd remedy the situation a bit.

Now, these are just a few of the ideas that've been kicking around my head. Nothing's set in stone yet - that's next week, when the marble I've ordered from Lysterston arrives so I can carve out a life-sized statue. I was thinking of putting it on the east side of the mess deck so it catches the glint of the lights off the blender. Or maybe in the bridge, looking over Wash's shoulder in a kind of symbolic gesture, so even when I'm not around he can always be reminded to think: What Would Mal Do?

Anyways, here we are:

Captain Reynolds!
He's our hero!
When he's here we have no thing to fear-o
He's got powers, never hides
And he's fighting on the Browncoat's side!

Or then there was this one:

Fighting reavers by moonlight
Winning love by daylight
Never running from a bar fight
He is the one
Captain Mal!

So what do you think?

current mood: artistic

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Thursday, October 20th, 2005
5:57 pm
What in the gorram hell is this??? Jayne! Simon! If you knew about this I swear I will have you both on manure duty so fast you won't know your elbow from the flat side of a cow in the middle of winter!

Now look at that - you've gorram gone and made me so upset my adages are more muddled than a donkey with two left feet. I'm just... It's all... You just make me so angry.

Simon, you'd best be bringing some herbal tea if you know what's good for you.

River, I can see you from here. Stop that smirking.

current mood: anger and rage

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
11:31 am
Captain's Log, Entry 200 billion

Captain's Notes:
The washing machine Kaylee rigged up on our ship (after just eight months of travel - not bad, if I do say so myself. We're getting the hang of this "domestic" thing, I reckon.) is quite a marvel. When it kicks into high gear (or what Simon's always tryin' to tell me is called the "spin cycle"), it sounds like a model 472 Firebug taking off. Yep, the old granddaddy of the current Firefly - sure, it weren't pretty or reliable or technically "legally space-worthy", but they had a kind of rustic, home brand charm that you have to search real hard for nowadays.

If I close my eyes, it's almost like the old ship's right here with me, taxi-ing down the airstrip, washing my socks. I tell ya, it's an incredible feeling.

current mood: nostalgic and delirious

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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
6:50 pm
Captain's Log, Entry 42791

Nothing in this 'verse is more painful than a ten-foot-tall man-baby wearing a full set of army duds and a face full of stubble passing out of a place that's best not mentioned in polite company. Or so I'd imagine.

Shifty eyes? Shut your big red candle-eatin' mouth, Kaylee.

current mood: not shifty. not at all.

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Sunday, September 11th, 2005
8:44 pm - ATTN: CREW
Is anyone else noticing something a mite... strange... about Jayne today? I don't know, ever since this afternoon he hasn't been quite himself. First he said he wasn't sure he could bend his knees, which didn't make much sense to me given his disturbingly-prominant knee joints, then he went all quiet and kind of... figurine-like. I don't quite know how to describe it.

He's been like that ever since, just standing and staring off into space. He's doing it right now, just next to me. Standing there with his trigger-finger cocked at nothing, staring at the wall with those creepy. Unblinking. Eyes. Dear god River, if you or Simon have done something to him I swear to god, I don't care what it is just make him stop staring.

So if ANYONE knows what may have caused this, now's the time to speak up. You won't be punished for breaking your silence; right now all I care about is getting my muscle man to BLINK, for gorram's sake! ready for action again.

That is all. Thanks for your time.

current mood: concerned. and suspicious.

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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
1:53 am
Everyone's getting in such a tizz about Jessica Simpson in the new 'Dukes of Hazzard' movie. "Oh, she's so taut," this and "Ah, look at her pretty legs" that. Well, no one ever asks for MY exercise advice following my sterling nude scene in 'Trash', do they? No one ever wants MY advice on how to remain supple yet manly. Well I worked out too, you know. My bum was just as perky as hers!

I'm pert, gorram it. And no one seems to care.

Screw this. Jayne, get me another West Coast Cooler. I'm drowning my sorrows tonight.

current mood: really really drunk

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Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
1:08 pm
Since Jayne is still in the bathroom doing I-don't-want-to-ponder-what (possibly with Shepherd Book, now that I think on it - where's he been lately?), I'm going to have to start bathing in the kitchen sink.

Well, I'm sure it can't be too difficult. Just run the water here... Hmm, nice and sudsy. Don't get bubbles like this is the showers, that's for sure. 'Less you've been ailing in a very strange and unusual manner.

Ah, perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. Just call me Captain Goldilocks.

Now, I'll just flip my head in so I can get to washing my hair. Perfect!

Ow. Faucet. But that's okay. I'll just scootch back a bit so I don't-

Ow. Basin. Alright, not a problem. There has to be a happy medium here, if I just dip my head a bit I'm sure it


ETA: That does it. Everyone's just going to have to deal with my pungent musk. Don't like it, don't care - it's manly.

current mood: it burns!

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Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
11:34 pm - Captain's Log
Because sometimes a stiff drink just ain't enough to heal a man's soul when he's troubled.

My Firefly by Capt. Mal Reynolds

I've have a little Firefly that goes in the air with me
And all the uses for it are just more than I can see.
But sometimes things are tricky, they get all turned on their head
When my so-called comrade gets cookie crumbs in the bed.
(Jayne, I'm looking at you, just so you know.)

I don't know, I guess I'm just sick of this all...

I'm sick of my crew fighting
Of playdoh being swallowed
I'm sick of people lying
Smugglin' in their frozen sister
Why can't they back up off me?
Just let me gorram lead?
I wanna do it my way
You can't take the sky from me

Ugh. I need more drinks.

current mood: grr.

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11:26 pm
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

And some goddam PANTS for my goddam CREW.

One's a nudist, one eats paste and the other's still perched on the ceiling, watching me with her creepy insane eyes.

I'd complain to the pilot, but he's too busy playing with his dinosaur figurines to hear me.

If anyone needs me, I'll either be in the mess hall getting very drunk, or in the supply closet eating sugar packets.

current mood: cranky

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11:12 pm
I've always thought that there are three things in this world that a man needs to be content: His ship, his freedom and his big damn gun.

I'd like now to add "his own bathroom" to that list.

Jayne, if you're reading this, if I so much as see you within ten feet of a wad of playdoh again, I'll have your gorram backside bounced out of this ship so fast you'll wish it wasn't non-toxic.

I mean, it's BLUE, for criminey's sake. What on this 'verse made you think it was edible???

current mood: not happy, jayne

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Monday, August 29th, 2005
10:36 pm - Captain's Log
Okay, Mal, just ignore it. She'll go away if you don't pay her any mind.

That's all she wants, is a little attention. She's just curious, is all. Doesn't know what she's doing. Not right in the head, that one – can’t be expected to conduct herself in a sanely fashion.

It's fine, there's nothing wrong, just ignore it. It's not like she can do any harm, so what's the point in yelling at her to get the GORRAM HELL off the GORRAM CEILING and stop STARING AT ME.

I’m going to start eating breakfast in the bridge.

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10:34 pm
Medical and Status Report: Jayne Cobb

Captain’s Notes:

Always, always KNOCK before entering Jayne’s quarters.

And never ask him where he got such a shiny shirt.

Updates to Medical Records:

Scars: Eighteen new. Funny, I don’t remember going to any planets where whips were used against the enemy. Odd. Jayne must be doing some work on the sly.

Tattoos: One – lower back, left hand side. Appears to read, “Oockeucking Doc”, but it’s difficult to make out.

Ailments/diseases: No new ones, though apparently one of the newer ones (#5 in Medical Report 12-B) has been flaring up a touch. Ah, a bit. Some. Flarin’ up some. But, uh, the doc’ll get him something for that and it’ll clear up in no time. Nothing further to report on that front.

Injuries: I still say his thumb didn’t used to be able to bend THAT way.

End Medical Report.

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10:34 pm - Captain's Log
Captain Mal Reynolds reporting.

Preparing to inspect the crew individually for medical and status updates.

Dear god, I hope Jayne is alone in his quarters this time.

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10:31 pm - Captain's Log
Captain Mal Reynolds reporting, of the vessel "Serenity". Classification: Firefly.

And she's a real beauty, if I do say so myself.

Crew: Unfortunately. Not as beautiful as Serenity.

Well, excepting Inara, maybe...

No. No, they're in a different class altogether, really. Serenity's got that special something, that raw, exhilarating, I don't know what you'd call it. It's no contest. I'm sorry, Serenity. I should never have compared you to that trussed up nympho-harlot. I misspoke, it won't happen again.

End log.

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